faeiouck: shady-bacon: faeiouck: “all slytherins are evil” “all gryffindors are good guys” “ravenclaws are nothing but nerds” “hufflepuffs don’t do anything” Name one evil Gryffindor. One. peTER PETTIGREW YOU LITTLE SHIT DO NOT QUESTION ME
Friend: You just like him because he's hot.
Me: No it's because I think he's beautiful and perfect and everything I want in a man.
Even at birth we are not innocent. We lived as parasites inside another.
When you’re walking though a crowd and hear “Last time I saw her she was at the bottom of an elevator shaft with an SUV rammed up her ass…”
Talks on serious matters
Mom: I saw your facebook today.
Mom: I didn't like your picture. You draw on my daughter's face.
Me: You mean the mustache one?
Mom: What if one day you ran for governor? People can use it against you.
Me: I think that'd help my campaign.
less-than-one: Yes hello I am here for Gatsby’s party
Friends: Hey Erika, wanna have a social life? School: Textbooks are your friends now. [[MORE]] I should also note that all these text/reference books are being used for ONE CLASS I’m taking this semester. It’s a combined anatomy and physiology course. I thought it wouldn’t be that bad: People pass the class, I could pass the class - I had no idea. Either way, I’m...
DiCaprio and Mulligan, meanwhile, don’t seem like star-crossed lovers so much as...– People Magazine’s review on ‘The Great Gatsby’ (via brucewaynes) READ A BOOK (via lexcanroar) Oh my fucking god. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. (via morganosaurus) ^ You seriously don’t want to live on this planet because of a magazine review? Out of ALL the reasons...
Old person: The younger generation need to be more adventurous. Nobody's going out there to make a name for themselves.
Me: I'm sorry, but have you ever played a computer game called Oregon Trail? It basically teaches you that setting out to find gold will only lead to the horrible cholera related deaths of the individual who sets out, along with the rest of the caravan. My generation was raised on this crap. No adventure for us.
Curious, has anyone ever made it to California while playing Oregon Trail? Because every time I tried, everyone around me (or myself) would end up dying of cholera or dehydration. Honestly, it’s the most depressing game ever. Sometimes I wonder what the hell the game makers were thinking. Game maker: Hey, you know what kids now-a-days would totally dig? A game where they set out on...
my study buddies are so hxc like you don’t even kno
What if there was a cross over between The Voice...
Ramsey: YOUR VOICE SHOULD BE RAW - NOT THE TENDERLOIN.
Ramsey: IF YOUR DESSERT WERE AS GOOD AS YOUR SINGING, IT'D STILL BE SHIT.
Ramsey: I TOLD YOU TO BRING DOWN THE HOUSE, NOT THE SOUFFLE.
I come home and -
Me: Hey Mom, are you watching Mad Men?
Mom: More like Asshole Men.
Me: When I get older I'm wearing nothing but colored polos and -
Mom: So you're going to dress like a your father?
Me: WAIT. NO.
receives txt: hey
me: ain't nobody got time for that
I can assure you I say nothing of significance. This video was made purely for my own procrastinatory purposes.
on avoiding confrontation
Today some loser tried to impose their opinion on me and I was like: Yeah, but I bet you can’t beautiful like Justin Timberlake. Then I walked away.
iamwizz: The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you
I blame my parents for not raising me selfish. Life is way harder on those who actually take responsibility for things. To be honest, I don’t even know what they were thinking.
Milk is made of what now?
If anything, biology has just helped me realize how many gross things there are in life… that I just don’t care about. A prime example would be what composes milk on a cellular level (I’m not explaining what it is here, but feel free to ask, and I’ll let you know). Once I found out what it was it grossed me out for a good minute - and I then went on to eat cereal in the...
I’m sorry I lack the class to enjoy you’re boring lifestyle. Even if I did, I’d likely find it (at best) hypocritical. [[MORE]] Philosophy isn’t a culture and existentialist readings do not count as cultural events When we went sake tasting the only difference I could tell is that the finer grades of sake tasted closer to rubbing alcohol Your musical tastes are not...
whenever someone responds “OH MY GOD I AM SOBBING” to a funny post, I can’t help but wonder how emotionally fickle they must be in real life. What if someone takes them out on a date and cracks a joke Then they start crying in the restaurant and making a scene Then everybody in the entire restaurant would stare at the person who cracked the joke like they were some sort of...
impryceless: colonelmustangsnipples: itsmalice: johnfontin: the pig goes “oink oink” the cow goes “moooo” the horse goes “neighhhh” the dog goes “ed…ward” You’re grounded. so is hughes yo……